Brynna I’m seeing a trend that when I hurt, I write. In the past I’ve kept these things mostly to myself, except for generic posts on the topic. But I was reminded that there is healing in sharing, and that sometimes the ministry is simply being open and talking, because no doubt someone else out there has been, is going, or will go through the same thing.
Yesterday we found out we’re losing another baby. This picture is the only physical reminder I’ll have. It’s kind of harsh, but I feel like if miscarrying were a terrible skill, I’d be a professional by now. We were ready to celebrate the 10 week mark and I’d been so excited to announce the news, and share the GIFT of life in a society that things a lot of kids are “too many.” I’m sorry to the family and friends who are discovering this over social media, but it’s not exactly news that’s easy to call up people and share. Very few even knew we were expecting, and I suppose it’s easier that way. The last few years have brought out the comments from others “hoping” we were done having kids, saying “oh good” when I said we probably wouldn’t have more. Yes, this baby was a surprise. And it took me a short time to adjust, as my last pregnancy, plus life, just had me mentally moved on to the next season of motherhood. But Luke and I both recognized the gift for what it was. And we were excited to share that.
I didn’t realize it was in God’s plans to build my testimony this way, once again. I had already started hoping, dreaming, and planning. That’s the complicated part about miscarriage…even if you try to be realistic and not get your hopes up, it’s nearly impossible to not start imagining what that baby will feel like in your arms, what your life will look like when s/he is here, how the kids will love having another baby…you start looking forward to memories being made, nine months in advance. And no matter how practical you are about the possibility, hearing the words “there’s no heartbeat” never gets easier.
So here we are. I know what’s coming, what to expect physically and emotionally, but I sort of can’t believe I’m here again. Despite the surprise, the timing had been amazing, it seemed totally meant to be.
I guess it’s just a reminder that we will never have the capacity to fully understand our God or His plans for us. We are given the opportunity to KNOW Him, but He is too much for us, too magnificent and too wonderful to even be able to wrap our minds around. And then I look at the world today, and where it’s going, and at least I can take comfort in the fact that this baby won’t have to experience the hurt, the confusion, and the evil that is so prevalent today, and instead knew our love for a very short time and can go straight to the arms of that same God, the one and only Author of life, that is too big and too great for my mind to comprehend.
So for now, I have to remind myself that despite the urge to throw myself into growing my Young Living business, or getting super fit (ha!), or deep cleaning my tiny little home to beyond recognition to help distract me, this is my current reality, I am going to have to go through this grieving process once again, but that I’ll be okay. And God is faithful, as always. Thursday night I had prayed and prayed for a healthy baby with a strong heartbeat. But I also prayed that if things weren’t okay, that God would give me strength and courage and a peace about everything. Since that ultrasound, I had assumed that I was just feeling numb, but then I realized that no, I’m just experiencing God’s faithfulness and answer to my prayer. He’s got me. ❤️
